so I bought myself some green tea pills about a week ago and I've been taking them religiously...then yesterday my mom, who's now on the nutrisystem diet, gave me her remaining supply of lypozine! I'm in diet pill heaven...
my older sister, mother, and I were having a discussion yesterday about weightloss and our own personal struggles with it, and my mom made a comment about how so many young actresses are sooooo skinny these days, but that recent studies show that most men are begining to turn back to prefering more "curvacious" women. women who are skinny but still have a little meat on them...to which my sister agreed and said "ya so people like kate bosworth aren't really doing them selves any favors." and all I could think was FUCK THAT ...tell that to her bf orlando bloom...I would love to be that skinny...fuck what "most guys" want...I want to be skinny and the perfect guy for me (ie- my current bf)would be a guy who likes really skinny girls too...curvacious my ass...
fuck I feel like such a slob! I now weigh a whopping 123lbs...which means I won't want to eat all day even thogh I don't have anything to do so I'll get bored and hungry....I realised I've come full circle I think. I now weigh just about the same as I did this time last year...everytihng I worked so hard for has gone down the tubes...I had myself down to 100lbs in april!! 100lbs!!! I'd give ANYTHING to be that thin again *sigh*...I haven't been posting anything in the ana communities recently because I guess I don't feel I deserve the right to...all those girls are so much stronger and thinner than I am...I'm just a fat pig who can't seem to break the chains of predisposition. everyone I know loves food, and loves to eat alot of it; that's how I was raised...I see it in my little sister now too. she eats ALL the time! she'll eat a burrito and half an hout later she wants a bowl of cereal...bleh. Maybe my problem is that I spend to much damn time feeling sorry for myself and not enough time actually doing shit about it. I don't want to end up like the rest of the women in my family I refuse...they're all over weight and on antidepresents...though my mom is starting a new diet soon, maybe I'll join her...and maybe I'll go out tonight and buy some new diet pills I can take to make me feel better. I admit I get addicted to then too easily, but hey they work ok? I'm not even hungry right now...I just want coffee...but at 123lbs, do I really deserve it?
my head hurts; I feel tired and sick and fat...horribly fat. i feel trapped...I feel like a beautiful marykate traped inside an ugly fat person's body...I'm so tired...I don't know what to do anymore...I don't want to eat...but I'm only human...weak.
It was requested that I update my journal today...so here I go. Well what's to say...I'm still fighting with my eating control, I get bored easily and food is an outlet for me unfortunately but I'm workig on it. I've managed to gain 4-5 more lbs in the past few weeks which of course is really depressing. It just puts me that much farther from my goal weight of 100lbs... Another thing; I failed my drivers test for the 2nd time on friday! yay for me! uhg....the instructor said it was because I was being too cautious and on 2 occasiions I let people go ahead of my even though I had the right away! OMFG....how F-ing retarded is that shit?! anyhoo...I did get a job though. It's retail...but it pays $8/hour, now if only I could drive myself to work.............
I just want to be thin again so badly, if just once more I could look into the mirror and be mildly satisfied with what I see... I miss my thin legs and tight abs...I miss complaining about how cold I was and how uncomfortable the chairs at school were because my ass was so bony lmao is that weird? Most of all I miss my ribs and hip bones omg.... I used to just sit there sometimes and run my fingers over them like they were precious gems...but now you can barely see my ribs even when I suck in =( I want to model for suicide girls so much...but I just don't feel sexy at all right now.
p.s.- does anyone else watch the show "girls next door" ?? the one about hugh hephner's 3 gorgeous girlfriends?? I luv that show, and it's excellent thinspo...
uhg I feel so fat this morning I can't even face myself in the mirror it's horrible...I don't know why but I TRIED getting my size 3 jeans on again earlier, unsuprisingly they didn't fit. I can get them buttoned but moving around in them is next to uncomfortable as hell, they're so tight! I feel so depressed right now...I'm still going to go through with my xtreme restiction plan for the next few days. God willing I'll stay strong and not cave in. 117lbs is disgusting on someone of my stature, atelast I'm not 135 anymore...I looked obese back then. Not to mention this household and this family is so disfunctional anymore, it's really sad...I'm like te only person besides my youngest sister NOT on some sort of medication (unless you count my minor addiction to diet pills). My parent's medicine cabinet looks like a fucking pharmacy, and even my 10yr old brother takes zoloft on a daily basis... Dad's a crabapple mom's depressed and lonely brother's autistic and has no friends to speak of besides his own family and sister's a slightly spoiled 8 going on 13 yr old... isn't my life great?!
I started a new food diary at fitday.com this morning, and I'm hoping it will help me decrease my food intake. I think I almost burned about as many calories as I ate, unfortunately the majority of the cals came from pizza (bugger)....I went to my best friend's house and we played DDR for a while but her parents ordered pizza, and DDR makes you hungry...so I had a little. by the time I went home I was craving more of it but stopped myself. Unfortunately I came home to half empty pizza boxes in the kitchen (pizza was obviously a popular choice today) and I couldn't stop myself...eeww. On top of playing DDR I walked around the mall for like 3 hours too... I also made yummy chocolate biscuts today, and only ate like 2 + some of the batter....I suck at life. Not to mention my mom finally confided in me about how lonely she feels, like my dad dosn't love her anymore, I felt horrible...I need sleep people.
So I've finally decided I want to join suicide girls! BUT I'm too fat......so I'm going to not eat...so I will be thineriffic in no time! =D see...now I have a driving force to keep me going. Something to strive towards!
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I will not eat- I will not eat cause fat's a most unpleasing treat. No more junk will I ingest unless ana says ok, cause I dream a dream of being thin and beautiful one day... no more pizza no more pies till I see ribs and nice thin thighs... This hungry pain I have inside I feel is just a test to prove to ana and the world I'm better than the rest...
So yesterday while my bf and I were at 7-11 we ran into an old schoolmate of his and his (the schoolmate's) gf, who was pleasently skinny...I could see her lovely hip bones, and I thought "I wonder if she's an ana." Then I saw her fill a big gulp cup with non diet soda...bitch lol So then last night as I lay in bed next to my bf as we were going to sleep I made a comment about how skinny that girl was, to which my bf replies "I guess I didn't notice her, how skinny was she?" So I try to come up with a good comparrison "well skinnier than me for sure." I said, the HE says "skinnier than u are now? or skinnier then you were before your stomach (ie- my hormones)started acting up?" ...I was speechless. I know I've put on a little weight, but that comment just made me feel all the more fat and noticable. so I just replied with "no, skinnier I guess." I knowmy bf loves me for who I am, but that dosn't change the fact that I still feel disgusting! THEN today while I was sitting at work, a co-worker of mine was looking through a celeb magazine at pictures of the beautiful nicole richie and she was like "bleh! why would you want to be that thin?! she looks skeletal! girls need meat on them, that's just dumb...why would you do that to yourself? do they actually think that looks good?!" I wanted to cry, because I WISH I looked as good as nicole does in a bikini!! and my friend just sat there ridiculing her...*sigh* it's been a looong day...
If I had a harem, a harem all my own, I'd have these boys beside me wherever I would roam. They'd always keep me company and keep me warm at night, my boys are the best if you ask me they're quite a lovely sight!
omg I want ice cream so bad!!! T.T it's calling my naaaaaame......but I musn't! I already had a few bites of it today which was a few bites too many...I'll hate myself if I give in! so I'm gonna go to my room now where it's safer...I hope
I can't decide if today was a good day or a bad day...I ate ALOT more than I should have, BUT I got to see the new pirates of the caribbean movie (which was AWESOME btw) and I exercised I good deal too so...I dunno *sigh* I actually didn't eat anything at all untill the movie, when my bf got a big ass tub of popcorn...'nuf said. then when I came home I made dinner for the family and ended up eating some of that too....blah blah blah-you know the story bleh...fuck it, what's done is done, and I'm too tired to exercise anymore tonight I did the bike for 40 min sit ups for 10 and pilates for about half an hour
I was just thinking back on it, and I can honestly remember the day...the MOMENT I began to feel insecure about my weight. my dad said something to me one night about readjusting my skirt because it made my gut stick out...my mom try to defend me; and my father I'm sure meant no harm, but the damage was done... Thought even after that day I didn't do anything about it, but I would be forever concious of my looks and my stature...it wasn't untill a year ago I actually began to take matters into my own hands... anyway...*sigh* i guess I'm gonna weigh myself again tomorrow morning, if I'm lucky I haven't gained anything, but I also won't be a bit suprised if I haven't lost anything either...I seem stuck in a rut. why me?
Every time I stick so much as a peanut in my mouth myy mom stares at me from across the room...she's knows I'm unhappy and she keeps telling me I'm eating too much, I just wish I knew how to stop... I think back to the days where I fit in and looked good in a pair of size 3 jeans and it makes me want to cry my heart out. Because I AM unhappy! I'm miserable! It's gotten to the point where I feel guilty after binging on SALAD...NO dressing...just the veggies w/ some sunflower seeds and rasins...and I feel like crap. I can't do this anymore...I know there's more to ife than food, I just need to find it...
Lalalala...I gots hickies (small ones!) on my neck! hahaha...that's what Ii get for not seeing my bf for a week. He turns into an animal!... anyhoo it's about a quarter after 11 right now and I can feel hunger pains creeping up in my stomach, which is always a good feeling to have I guess lol...and as much as I'm dying to I must STAY AWAY from the sinfully delicious ice cream in the freezer right now...god I can't wait to move in w/ my sister... I'm going to try my hardest to not eat tomorrow...I don't think I've ever gone an ENTIRE day w/ out eating ANYTHING to be honest, but can't remember... bleh, I was so hot today I actually resorted to only wearing a spaghetti strap top and undies while exercising, and I was quick to notice how horribly gross and flabby my thighs are! *barf* I tried doing pilates for like the 2nd time in my life today too...needless to say I'm not exactly a pilates master. I can't bend like a pretzel AND breath at the same time! lmao...I suck. I just felt gross and depressed after work today, cause I'm already missing my bf, andI'm back to feeling like a fat cow. well, I always feel that way; but atleast with my bf I'm happier. =/
I FINALLY...finally bought my own scale today, so hope fully it will inspire me to keep pushing myself...I KNOW I can do this!! even as horrible, fat, lazy, and crappy as I feel right now...I REFUSE to be obese! I want girls to envy me again!! 118lbs?! what the hell!...no more...NO-MORE! if I have to starve myself tomorrow so be it...NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels anyways right?! uhg...I just couldn't bring myself to exercise today though. Mentally I'm just too weak right now...tomorrw, spending time w. my bf cannot come sooner...dear god I'm gonna cave if I don't get my arms around him soon!
Ok, I DID eat today...but it was mostly veggies and what not. I drank a shit load of water too and I don't think I went over 7-800 cals. So all in all I did GREAT compared to how I've been the past few weeks *shudders* I think it's beause last night/this morning I finally hit an all new low and I scared myself...it was 1 in the morning and I found myself spoon deep in a tub of peach ice cream...ya. Not pretty. Down right DISGUSTING! But in scaring me, I think it really finally helped kick start the major restricting I've been dying to do for like...ever now. I just need sum more self control. But once you go a whole day on only 800-ish cals, the out look seems a little brighter... I did the bike for 30 min and then did 20 min of sit ups...not too bad I guess. My hope is that as days go by my dependance on food will grow smaller and smaller like the glory days of old when I still fit a size 3 *tear*................ I also got to watch one of my favorit-ish shows today too that I thought go cancelled...guess I was wrong lol. It's called "girls next door" and it's a reality show based on the day to-day lives of hugh hephner's 3 girlfriends. They're all really pretty and watching them is good thinspo for me. Not to mention the show in and of it self is just funny :p
ooh! AND I bought a pirates of the caribbean coloring book today too! who would have thought coloring in pictures of jack sparrow would take ur mind off food? haha...*sigh* well I better go to bed before my stomach starts rumbling o_o
oy....what a day! it started off so well! I had half a banana and a few handfulls of cheerios before venturing over to my sister's place....where I binged on a few handfulls of doritos...plus a tiny salad and some fruit :p I'm so fucked up in the head am I not? so then I come home and drink LOTS of water, and start to put together a brand new spiffy thinspo journal...then all hell broke loose. Mom ordered pizzas and when I hinted I wasn't happy about it, well...we ended up blowing up in one another's faces...about 10 min later though the anger turned to frustration which quickly turned into me standing there crying my eyes out and her feeling bad and trying to make me feel better. I vowed not to touch the pizza...but in the end my weak ass gave in and I had a few bites here and there as the night progressed...uhg. WHY ME?!?!?! I did 5 miles on the bike, 2 miles on foot, and 10 min of sit ups but I still don't feel it did any good at all ;_; Although...there was ONE thing that kinda made me feel good today...for a short moment anyway...I saw this guy on tv who I thought was SOOOOOO hot I almost wanted to hump the tv screen hahaha...so here's a pic of him <3
only problem is that I saw him, and then I looked in the mirror. now grnated he dosn't actually exsist; BUT I figured if I were a character on his show he's never find me "worthy" or attractive ...which is a shame, cause I'd do him in a heartbeat!...*sigh*
also; I weighed myself today, andI don't know if it was water retention or what...maybe the scale was counting my breakfast/lunch in there too but it said Iwas 117lbs which made me want to cry...alot. I suck.
Sooooooo...ya. I'm REALLY hoping my belly shrinks when my monthly is done...that would be nice. it makes me sick to see my fladdby rolls when I sit down and It makes me cry that my cutsie size 3 jeans just don't fir me anymore, when I was almost to a point where they were becoming loose!! I suck at life...and I need to get out of this household! I loved my family...but they're to big on snack foods...IE- the peach pie AND peach ice cream my dad bought today at the store -.-; speaking of the store; I felt sick by the time we walked out of there. We were at super walmart, where all the SUPER sized people shop...I was standing there longingly staring at the ice creams behind the glass doors when some fat lady came strolling up next to me with her husband. This lady-I kid you not- was so large she had to rely on a power scooter to cart her fat ass around! I felt sorry for her, and then again I didn't...it's sick how people let themselves get that way *shudders* my legs hurt from exercising so much today...they just ache...and I miss my bf...I feel like kissing him right now lol
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bitersweetangel's journal
bored
contemplative
depressed
determined
envious
tired
crazy
discontent